His muscles turn to bone when bruised.

He is slowly turning into a statue,  becoming less animated…if you hurt him.

His body grows less willing to flex.

In response to trauma it puts up a literal wall.

Oddly this defense makes him more likely to break.

Maybe survival isn’t the point.

He is a living metaphor.

The rest of us get to hide our emotional bruises.

We have the luxury of not having to look at the pain we cause others.

History, math, science, and English have all taught me how to carry on intelligent conversation.  That’s fantastic, sure, but no one seems interested in paying me for my conversation. I don’t know how to repair a vehicle, because I was not scheduled to take those classes.  I don’t know how to fix machinery either.  Nor do I know how to cut hair, do carpentry, fix computers, or navigate the world of finance.  Trade schools were offered at the end of high school, but those who attended were considered unintelligent to the academic crowd.  Some of you might say career training is what college is for, but of all the things I was fed academically, I didn’t have a clue what I would like to major in.  As for fine arts, my school system (Gwinnett County Public Schools) allows each student to pick ONE.  Mine was marching band, because I already had a flute and didn’t want to be wasteful.  Incidentally, I’m not enough of a talent to contribute beautiful music to society either.

Luck of the draw.  This happens.  Schools have to assign their students subjects to learn, and it’s simply unfortunate if none of them sparks a career interest.  On that note, I introduce to you the concept of Sudbury Valley Schools.

Very roughly, Sudbury Valley Schools are democratically run, K-12 schools in which the students do what they wish with their days and the “teachers” are there to provide expertise only when asked.  (The above link provides a much more thorough explanation than that.)  The premise behind this method is that all creatures seek to learn when left to their own devices.  Learning how to live successfully is an instinct, and what is needed to learn becomes evident as the young ones watch and participate in life.

I believe this is true.  Have you ever seen a child that wasn’t curious about something?  And because the students are responsible for their own education, they can’t help but become tremendously independent and assertive.  Even the shy ones must speak up and get creative if they want to satisfy their curiosity to learn. If a student neglects to learn an important subject by the time s/he is 18, s/he already has a robust enough intellect and sense of autonomy to find a way to learn it…quickly.  (Check the FAQ section of the above link to see an example where this has actually happened.)

I happen to think this school system is fascinating.  Imagine the passion these graduates must have! I bet every single one of them knows what really interests them, unlike me who only knows what doesn’t.  I hadn’t thought of myself as spoon fed until I learned about Sudbury Valley.  In comparison to the students these schools must put out, I’m actually quite a whimp!  ”Oh, I was never taught graphic design in school.  I couldn’t possibly have the skills to work in that profession.”  Did it really never occur to me that it’s possible to learn it for myself?  Were I in the habit of being academically resourceful my whole life, I wouldn’t have thought twice about an obstacle like that.

What’s interesting is that companies require us to be self starters to be successful.  We are often tossed into the deep end at new jobs and expected to figure the ropes out.  Most of us are educated traditionally, but we require each other to think like Sudbury Valley students. Ironic.

It’s too late for me to have gone to a democratic school, so I’ll go ahead and stop whining about it.  What I will do, is take a cue from those resourceful grade schoolers and take charge of my own curiosities.

Heck, maybe I’ll even see if they’ll elect me as a “teacher.”

1.  They are not provable.

Why we continuously debate so called universal truths I don’t understand.  When it comes to beliefs, especially religious ones, we are all flying in the dark.  I don’t care what your point is–there is no proving it.  (here’s why).  Arguing to broaden each other’s outlook is helpful.  It makes us smarter.  However arguing beliefs with the intent of being right can never work.  What ever is on the other side cannot be known for sure until we get there…no matter how certain we feel about it.

2.  They do not exist to be justifiable or make sense.

On the other hand, your beliefs don’t have to be provable!  That’s not what they’re here for.  Beliefs exist to help us navigate and make sense of what we perceive (the world).  Let’s think back to The Matrix for a second.  Who cares that the material world might not exist the way we perceive it to?    We still have to function within it, so our common beliefs about it are indeed useful.  The same is true for religion.  If your belief in [xyz] helps you make sense of a few things, then it’s done its job.  If the most compelling arguments against your beloved religion still don’t sway your faith, that’s fine!  Beliefs truly don’t have to make sense to be of use.

3.  They are personal.

Here is the area that people most often violate when it comes to each other.  Another person’s beliefs are absolutely none of your business.  I cringe when I see people cornered and berated by overly invasive “missionaries” (for any faith.)  When I said I thought debate was healthy and eye opening, I meant mutually agreed upon debate.  If you have any emotional intelligence whatsoever it is obvious when a person is uncomfortable with your conversation.  If you find yourself the aggressor in a situation like that, take a moment to remember point #1 and walk away.

4.  You do not get to choose them.

I expect some disagreement on this point, but I’m going to throw it out there anyway.  I’ve thought a lot about this, and I truly believe (ha) that our beliefs are unaffected by logic…for better and for worse.

Christianity, for example, is somewhat strict.  Jesus is the path to Heaven, and “not Jesus” is the path to Hell…to put it very simply.  It would seem to be in all of our best interests to believe in Jesus as the savior then, even if we can’t be sure until we die.  It is the safest bet to give the benefit of the doubt (if you have one) and just believe.  Here’s the thing though.  You can’t, if you don’t.  You can want to believe with all your being.  You can think it’s a great idea to believe.  You can pretend to believe, but that doesn’t make it real for you.

This is not to say that your beliefs are not changeable.  If you have always thought the world ended at a certain point and then saw with your own eyes that it didn’t, you might change your beliefs on the spot.  But that’s something that genuinely happens inside.  It can’t be forced, and it doesn’t have to be.

I personally believe that God doesn’t care if you are aware of “Him” or not.  He’s too perfect to be hung up on that kind of thing.  But that’s me, and I’m not available for cornering at this time.

If you think that there are objective moral laws that exist whether humans do or not, then where do you think these laws come from? Some people would say God creates the absolute moral laws that we are expected to follow. What then, of the huge amount of variation between cultures on the word of God? Some cultures claim that God’s law condones and requires killing. Others say that God condemns killers to Hell. The law of gravity doesn’t have this much dissonance. I would expect such important universal laws to be very evident to all.  That’s why I think that morals are not objective. They are opinions.  You might still disagree, saying we just haven’t figured it out yet.  Even if you do, please read on.

Why then, do so many people agree that certain actions are wrong?  Not only do large amounts of people agree on the wrongness of murder, they even form civilizations and create police to enforce those views.  Let me present an anthropological explanation: if a society were to condone the murder of it’s people, it wouldn’t last long.  Allowing your citizens to pick each other off is counter productive to the survival of your species.  Not to mention victims don’t like it.

So is that the golden argument?  Doing unto others against their will is just wrong, correct?  Not exactly.  Once again that’s just an opinion.  Kids don’t like to be snatched from the middle of the road, but what parent would consider it “right” to let them stand in the way of an oncoming vehicle?  Sure you could say that you know better than the child in that situation, but what if you later believed that dying was not the tragedy we all thought it was?  Is your judgement still sound?

In fact what if someone you trust told you that you were misinformed all along about what’s right and what’s wrong. Let’s say that there are these absolute moral codes that we’ve all been living by and…somehow there’s been a mistake. Murder is now righteous. Rape becomes noble. It is said to be downright wrong not to beat all children.  What if every religious service in the world began preaching this:  ”You must cheat on your spouses people, or you WILL go to Hell!”  Now think about it, really.  Would you change your whole perspective and go out shooting old ladies?  I hope not!  I am willing to wager that you would think the rule-makers were nuts.  (Unless you are a criminal.)

That’s why I feel confident saying that none of us needs objective moral laws.  We don’t need there to be an ironclad list of things that are “right” and things that are “wrong.”  The only moral rules we follow anyway are the ones we deep down in-the-gut feel in agreement with.  If raping babies feels despicable to you, it wouldn’t matter if the holiest book in the world suddenly told you it’s the thing to do.  You wouldn’t do it. 

Here’s what to take away from all of that: ask yourself “why?” and keep asking it of each response until you really get to your reasons.  “Why not litter?  Because the sign says not to.  Is that all?  No, I don’t want to burden the wildlife with my trash.  Why not?  Because I care.”  Now there’s your real reason.

I can only speak accurately for myself on this one, but I’m going to through it out there anyway: We’re offended most by things that we find a grain of truth in.  All of us.

I figured this out when my ex boyfriend told me I had a caustic sense of humor, and was therefore not funny.  (Like I said, ex-boyfriend).  Interestingly, I was completely fine with that remark.  The truth was that I disagreed, and thought he was an idiot.  On another occasion, I was waitress-ing at a bar known for it’s caustic sense of humor, and the cook cracked a joke about my intelligence…EXCUSE ME?  I fumed about it for days.

What is so different between these two criticisms that one bothered me and the other didn’t?  Two opinions, maybe said in jest, but only one was offensive.  The key factor was my opinion.  I have never thought of myself as especially smart, because all of my grade school friends were in extra super honors classes, while I was only in honors (why schools establish so many levels of specialness I don’t know).  Anyway, intelligence was important to the crowd I spent time with, and my test scores were never quite good enough to keep up with them.  The result: sore spot.

Whether or not either of these jerk-offs were right about me is beside the point.  I might not be funny; I might be smart…who knows.  The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter how a comment is intended.  It’s offensiveness rests solely on the psyche of the person it’s directed at.  Think you’re bony, but someone calls you fat?  You’re more likely to laugh than cry.  Consider yourself to be caucasian, but told you resemble a purple people eater?  That’s not going to mean much to you.

The stronger your self perceptions are, the less effect contrary opinions have.  So the next time you find yourself offended by a comment, ask yourself why.  I would be very interested to hear the results.

Here’s what I mean by all of that nonsense.  I am not just a human body.  I am composed of organs, and they are composed of cells, which are composed of atoms, made of subatomic particles and so on until we get to the most basic.  (the current smallest known particles are quarks.)  The sky certainly doesn’t have organs, but at some level, it has the same subatomic building blocks that I do.

You and I are really a great bunch of particles arranged into people. Everything is a composition of the same very basic building blocks, and that’s what I mean when I say that we don’t exist.  We are always changing, shedding cells, regenerating, growing.  Sure we are tangible, but we don’t exist as people in any lasting sense.  We aren’t even made of the exact same stuff when we die as we are when we’re born (shedding cells, remember).  The basic block are always there.  They rearrange themselves (or get rearranged by God…whichever you believe) into stars, planets, people, bugs, seaweed (ick), water, yadda yadda yadda.

A good example is a cloud.  Have a look at one.  It looks like one thing, but where are the edges?  If you try to draw it as precisely as you can, you’ll find them hard to distinguish.  If you have a closer look, you realize that that single cloud is a big group of water droplets.  They are closely packed together toward the middle, and they  spread out toward the “edges.”  How do you decide which droplets are part of the cloud, and which ones are just moisture in the air?  Is the moisture on your skin part of the cloud?  This is called the problem of the many.  Chances are, none of us will agree on the location of the cloud’s boundaries. It’s more accurate to say that a cloud is really just a compilation of water droplets.  We still use the term “cloud” because no one wants to ruin a conversation with scientific technicalities.  

The view I seem to be taking here is called nihilism.  Not only does it sound depressing, it’s often associated with anarchy, tossing morals out the window, and meaningless existence.  In my opinion, it doesn’t have to be that way. Like I said, you and I don’t exist just like clouds don’t.  That’s just a picky way of saying that we are not separate from each other.  There are no clear boundaries if you look really closely, and we are all made of the same stuff.  I don’t know how people get meaninglessness from that, but it makes me feel warm and fuzzy toward my fellow man.

I am all the more fascinated by the huge variety of ways in which the basic building blocks are arranged.  (How cool is it that the same things that make me also make motor oil?  What?!)  Anyway, this means that my particular arrangement of blocks is completely unique and temporary. Suddenly I don’t care so much about the freckles I used to hate.  If nothing else, I am almost compelled to appreciate what’s going on here.  Ihave to have fun with it!  That’s quite a life purpose.  For some reason, I look like I do, I have the senses that I do, and I have this mind with it’s own personality.  I also get to interact with a whole variety of other block arrangements on a daily basis.

This is an excellent cure for envy.  Why be jealous of someone else’s experiences?  If we are all made of the same stuff…it’s my experience too, in a way.  If our experiences are shared then one would think I’d show some consideration to my fellow man rather than throw all morality out the window.  Laws are needed because some people don’t “get it.”  They think they are separate from everything around them, causing an every-man-for-himself mentality.  Consciousness naturally brings about kindness.  It’s difficult to be a jerk when you feel wonder and respect.

GOOD FOR HIM! I on the other hand was completely freaked out! I put the book down and literally cried myself to sleep, but not before I had an epiphany.

See, death has ALWAYS been an issue for me. I used to be an intense germ-o-phobe and hypochondriac. Luckily I’m not as worried anymore, mostly because each day I go without dying loosens my paranoia. Now I’m accused of not being cautious enough. At any rate, death is still a distracting concern for me.

I read the book Twilight, and liked it…too much. Basically, it’s about vampires who live normal human lives (minus their diet) and get to live happily ever after with their spouses and families. Literally ever after too, because they’re immortal. Damn if that didn’t sound good to me! I like my life very much, so the idea of getting to keep it is a tempting one. I’m not the only one though, right?

Here’s where I seem to differ from the norm. Even if my life sucked, I would still long for that scenario. It’s not the uncertainty of what might happen to my soul after I die that gets me. It’s what I know will happen to my body. The thought of decomposing scares the absolute shit out of me. Or being eaten. Or being burned. In fact the only appealing way I can think of to die would just be to *poof* cease to exist. No burial, no cremation, no remains whatsoever. Intellectually I understand this is silly. Intellectual knowledge seems to have no effect on my emotions, however.

So what’s the big idea here? Why is this such a huge deal for me? I realized it has a lot to do with my vision. I have a real aversion to things that I consider ugly, and likewise a love for beauty. Please feel free to judge that as you will. I feel deep satisfaction gazing at natural vistas, at art, at flowers, architecture, etc. On the other hand I hate certain bugs I consider hideous (which is most of them), monsters, slasher movies, human remains on forensic shows, roadkill, and skeletons. Change isn’t the issue here, as I like wrinkles and grey hair. I consider those things beautiful. Decomp is another thing.

What these all have in common is that they are all gathered through sight. The feeling of bugs crawling on my arm isn’t particularly unpleasant. Neither is the taste of certain exotic foods I’m too chicken to eat. I can’t help but think that I would be less inhibited if I didn’t have my sense of sight. What if I never knew what a dead body looked like? A human heart feels slimy and firm. Big deal. Obviously it’s not my other senses that are causing an issue. I’ve always known that my sense of sight is what I rely on the most, but I never thought of it as distracting to the point of causing irrational fears.

So I wonder if being blind would have prevented my fear of death (at least in the way that I’m afraid of it.)

Experiment #1 comes from a statement about problems only being problems because you think negatively about them. The example I read was:

“say you think it’s a problem that you are overweight. You make it a problem because you don’t accept the present moment and because you THINK that being overweight is a negative thing. In reality it is neutral; it’s only negative because your memories and imagination are interpreting it to be a negative thing. Mostly based on feedback from others and what we are told through comments and judgements. In actuality being overweight just is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.” -read that article here

IN ACTUALITY (insert whatever here) IS JUST WHAT IT IS, NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

So, winning the lottery is….and that’s it. It’s not great, and it’s not terrible.
My singing at the karaoke bar was…
My cats are.

This is interesting to me. I wonder what will happen if I stop my mental sentences before they become value judgements. I bet the earth will stand still.

RESULTS:

The conclusions I’ve come to while performing “thought experiment #1″ have been kind of hard to keep track of. True to form, I have an epiphany and then immediately forget it.

One reason for this is that the experiment is two fold. The idea came from an article about worrying about life’s problems. The writer asserted that most problems are memories of the past or concerns about the future, but do not exist in the current moment.  Then we are supposed to examine why we think that such-and-such is a problem. Is it because we’ve been conditioned to think that it’s bad? etc.

So I have been trying to keep myself in the moment, as well as withhold judgment with everything I do.

Mostly I found that judging serves no purpose in my daily life, and when I refrained from using judgmental words my decisions became much easier. Judging words include: good, bad, right, wrong, should, etc. Suddenly when I used these words I felt like a fraud. Who am I to say that “this sandwich is good, and that one is bad?” No need to sentence the sandwich to a category that can very well be disagreed with, when what I actually mean is that I like “this sandwich.” Turns out, saying and thinking what I really mean is more helpful to everyone than judging is. What purpose does announcing that radio station “x” sucks serve? It potentially causes an argument which leads nowhere, when all I needed to say was “I don’t like this station.”

Shoulds, rights, and wrongs also have a way of making me hesitant. What is the right decision? Should I call? These questions are a waste of time, unless you’re a juror. They don’t actually make daily decisions any clearer because they themselves are not clear concepts. A more relevant question is, which choice do I like better? Do I want to call so and so? You answer these, and you’ve got yourself a direction.

I suppose using judgmental language has it’s place, but I find it irrelevant to my life. I always end up doing what I really wanted to do anyway, so why not cut to the chase?

As for living in the moment, I’m still working on it. It’s tough to keep that one in mind, because sometimes I need to plan ahead what with school and all. But when my day dreaming begins to make me feel anxious or restless then it’s time to snap it back. It’s fun to try to master this one.

2. Our memories–especially the nostalgic ones–are exaggerated.

3. The past does not exist, and the future does not exist. (unless you think time is a 4th dimension that is always present…in which case, this point is not for you)

4. We may have an idea of what we want, but we have no idea what has made us or will make us happy.

5. Perfection exists only as a concept, like absolute zero or a straight line.

6. All of our perceptions are relative. ie, we cannot help but view the world autobiographically.

7. Everything we think is ours is borrowed.

Ok, so what are the implications?

1. Even with the utmost justification and evidence, we can’t know anything for certain. Ever see The Matrix? It’s impossible to know if what we consider to be real actually is. Therefore all the information we gather shapes our beliefs. Some are very very strong, and others not as much. These beliefs are ours to choose and live by. I choose to believe that there is actually a computer in front of me, and other people who exists to read this website. I wouldn’t be writing a blog if I didn’t.

2. Sometimes I’ll think on a fond memory and pine for it. Other times I regret my past to the extent that it affects my mood. But nothing was as great or terrible as you remember it to be. There was a reason I broke up with so and so…no need to with for the good times again. Similarly, scooping cat littler is never as bad as I remember it being-just yesterday! So take your memories lightly, and know that they are not tape recorders…unless you’re one of those photographic types. In which case, I got nothin.

3. Another reason not to let regrets kill you is that those events don’t exist anymore! (once again, this is provided you look at time the traditional way.) The moment that I spent writing that last sentence is gone. And that one. The future doesn’t exist either. It is just a series of “moments” flickering by one by one. By the time they happen, they are still not the future. So live accordingly. This does not mean that I shouldn’t study for my tests, because it might not happen. I want the moments spent taking that test to be non-stressful, so I’ll prepare now just in case that future does manifest. We’re smart enough to notice that moments flicker along without stopping, so it’s wise to plan. Just not to anguish.

4. Some of us know what we want. Great. But getting it does not equate lasting happiness. There is most likely life after getting what you want, and you have to figure out what to do with it once the novelty wears off. Go ahead and want! That’s how you make decisions. Just realize that getting desires and not getting them is irrelevant to your lifetime happiness.

5. The reason these concepts exist is to provide a horizon for our endeavors. Ever notice how no matter how far you go, you never reach the horizon? If you like the chase, as I do, then by all means strive for perfection. However if you will be miserable without this perfection, you may just have to find a way to like miserable.

6. Think about this next time you argue over who’s right. Keep number 1 in mind too.

7. You don’t get to take it with you when all is said and done.

At first I was shocked to see such a demonstration in the middle of campus, but of course free speech is not just for liberals.  Such bigotry always gives me a chill though.  It reminds me of American History X (a very disturbing must see movie).  I will always be fascinated and perplexed by the driving force behind nonacceptance.  To me, peace means accepting the harmless differences that make everyone unique regardless of whether or not you practice them.  But while homosexuality seems harmless to me, certain religious groups may completely disagree.  Perhaps the demonstration stemmed from a place of genuine concern for the eternal souls of homosexuals, or maybe it was a result of closed minded ignorance.  I’m all about free speech, but I consider what I saw today to be harmful.  I’m not one to try to convert others, though, even if I disagree with their practices.  The best we can do is make information of all kinds available and let people make their own decisions.

I wonder, though, if I marched out there with a sign that said “AMERICA’S SHAME IS BIGOTRY”….what would that make me?